the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
