I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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