I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
