she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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