I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
