I murdered the dance floor call the cops
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
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