Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
