Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
