Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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