And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
my liver is dry heaving
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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