I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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