Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
