P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
