dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
