My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
