her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
