So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
