textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
