I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
