:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
