What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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