I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
