And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
