First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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