What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
