ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
