I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
