Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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