I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my shit smells like andre
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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