Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
