In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
