no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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