I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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