Swine flu is the new snow day.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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