Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
