PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
