It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
