Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
