i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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