Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
