Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
