Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
how drunk are you?
Several
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
