I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
