Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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