It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
