you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
