he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
