if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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