apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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