The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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