gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
