k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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