she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
