If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
