im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize