I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
