A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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