Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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