and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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