My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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