I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
