I can text with my tongue
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
birth control should be required to get into college
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
