YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
