We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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